What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:47
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Ive learnt so much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why are white women dating more black guys than ever?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
How do you know when your skirt is too short?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why are American women so ugly nowadays?
One cannot live in the past .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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But it wasn’t much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I don,t even have a pension.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I think the readers, may guess!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I waited trembling.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Comes on , in middle age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I write beautiful poetry .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was scared of men, in general
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Who then, do I blame.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im still living with it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Put me off passion for life!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She wouldn,t have been !
I was very sick at this time too.
I have no regrets .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She married twice! .
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i lived it daily.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But, we were locked up after school.
What did i know ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He knew the spot.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She found it foreign!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I will be 64.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My family never makes their pension either.